Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.