Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
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Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me