Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

Better luck next time champ

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

A bold strategy

ㅤ

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.