Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
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Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.