Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
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why does this building look like a guilty dog
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?