me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
That de-escalated quickly
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
That took me a moment.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA