me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
Matthew was born for this.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.