me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
He took my last fry, your honor
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I know karate and tons of other words.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
set yourself free xox
