Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires