Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

you’re so productive for your wage

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.