Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick