Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
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Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever