Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

Does your wife know you’re single?

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.