me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
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Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
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Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”