me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
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ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat