Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

#inspiration #foodforthought

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.