Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
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Good dog. ❤️
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I found your tweet-up…
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
The Birdles
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.