Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Not today, today.
Not today.

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

having children is a pyramid scheme.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…