welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
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doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver
GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*