Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

Finally a use for spoilers…

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into