Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

Simple

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro