Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
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Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
“OMGJK” -atheists
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
When they try to steal your moment.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)