ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
