ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I have so many questions.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
that de-escalated quickly
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
