Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

Every damn time

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.