Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.