Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

Always leave them wanting their money back.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!