Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
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Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Well, that should do it
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?