Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.