Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

@funTweeters

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.