@KeetPotato

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

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@3sunzzz

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

@LizerReal

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

@robyn_vo

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

@3sunzzz

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

@Home_Halfway

A perfect cake idea for someone you have absolutely no feelings for either way

@STACEYNIGHTMARE

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.