me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
You Might Also Like
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Finally, an explanation.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.