Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

as the prophecy foretold

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

Danger is very dangerous

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

To everyone worried about the dangers of TikTok influencers on kids, please know that every day, a new YouTuber sets up an account and convinces someone’s husband that there’s no need to hire a plumber.

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day, I’d secretly drop fake engagement rings into random drinks—just to sit back and watch the chaos unfold. Bon appétit!

lmaaaaaooooooooo

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.