Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

buying dead houseplants to save time

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

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Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Voodoo map

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

Every work meeting this week

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.