ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
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Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Every photo I’m tagged in
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
asked my bf how work was today
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house