Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

I’m awake but I object,

Planet of the Apps.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you