Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

i will not be silenced

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.