Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here