me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
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hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
For cardio I live beyond my means.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops