Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.