I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
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If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.