Me: What is it with this bottled water-

Reply Guy: Um, EXCUSE ME, don’t you mean “bottled dihydrogen monoxide”??

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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.


8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”


I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.


Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I’d need a ouija board


Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things


[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”


Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill


Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.


WOLF: Can I have a thing?
GOD: Like what?
W: I want to scream at the moon.
G: Not wings or-
W: No.
G: But you cou-
W: Scream. At. Moon.


A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married