Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now