Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
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Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
when someone compliments me
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
War & Peace
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee