Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.