Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT