Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

Simple

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE