Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.