Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

welcome back

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

Wikigenius

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad