Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
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are there any atheist mantises?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently