Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

A choir of Spring onions

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.

Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.