Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Pass gas, not judgment.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
🛁
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
