Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
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me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat![]()
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
why am I working on Labor Day
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April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH