NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
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Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.