Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?