Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest