me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
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I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I want to meet the individual who made this
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
and now we wait
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me