Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.