Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less