Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

I get distracted pretty eas

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

How dramatic are you?

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.