Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
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When you kidnap a writer.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Jogging
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”