Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
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My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
😂🖐️
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
gm
