Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
twitter is a journey
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace