Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
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Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.