Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.