Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
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The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.