Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.