Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
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[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
road rage
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
kitchen magnet
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.