Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

Best seat on the street 😍

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

me and my fake scenarios

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.