Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄