ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
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My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Harsh but fair
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
No regrets in 2018
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
broke down and did it
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)