ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.