Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
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When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Natural selection at its finest
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer