Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
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I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage