me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
You Might Also Like
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Goodnight 🐶
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.