me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
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According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.